Best Dresses: Academy Awards 2009

The Oscars: No Surprises.   

I would’ve loved it if Rourke won and gave another shot-out to Eric Roberts. Cocaine is a helluva drug.

Here’s my favorite dress of the event:

Marion Cotillard in Dior. Go Goth n’ Big – a good rule to live by.
Hit list: Black tulle, sparkly things, vinyl/PVC touch, cinched waist, check check check.

A lot of dresses this year were slim-cut, mermaid-tailed, glittery and had neutral palettes.
Overall, pretty good and invoking 1930’s Depression Era gowns. HOW APPROPRIATE, right?
Because we’re going to hell in a handbasket, let’s keep talking about the Depression and start emulating that era. Yeah. Let’s do that.

Winslet, the winnah. I read somewhere that this dress is a perfect balance between classic and experimental. That’s succinct. I really like the back of this dress too, but I haven’t found a good photo of the back yet.
Apparently, she didn’t even diet to get into this gown. Good genes, Katie. In YSL.

I want to steal Jolie’s emeralds. She looks like Morticia Addams, which is ALWAYS a good thing.
Go Goth n’ Go Fitted, another good rule to live by.
In Elie Saab, a label that automatically means “Oscar dress.” 

Nobody does weird at the Academy Awards! It’s one of the Given Rules: nobody does Weird. Just like how Comedies and Sci-Fi movies are never nominated for major awards. Nobody Does Weird. Unless you’re Tilda Swinton, who can actually act and basically invented Weird and Awesome. She’s the Yin to Grace Jones’ Yang. In Lanvin.

White girls love cocaine! Renee Zwellwitcher (ha) attempted something similar last year and got a major Fail.
Leslie Mann doesn’t fail in disco-ball. And her hair looks different like, all the time. In Pamela Roland. ALSO, WHAT? She’s Judd Apatow’s WIFE?! How did I miss that detail?

Tina Fey is at that peak – the Fart-in-a-bag-and-you’d-buy-It peak. I’m going to join the clucking groups of women and ask – Tina, who is your stylist? Your trainer? Your mirror? Word on the block is that Ms. Fey used to be normal-fugly, because she’s a dork inside. Use the dork to make some jokes, use the jokes to make some cash, use the cash to get some People to Dress You and BAM! Officially the hottest bitch around, cuz you have brains filling out that sparkly halter top cut number. In Zac Posen.

I mew and maw over vintage cuts, but I’m coming around: Hi, my name is Monica, and I like modernist…stuff. All of it. I like words like “architectural” and “clean edges”. I might even buy a clean-edged, all-white Swedish coffee table that ISN’T from Ikea, one day. Maybe.  
I love this modernist dress. Even though I think this dress is a little Art Deco, which makes it vintage again, right?
Whoa, heavy.
 Virginia Madsen (Miss I-was-in-THE PROPHECY and my brother is Michael) in Kevan Hall.

Bitch! You aren’t Dita. Stop it already. Ok, don’t stop. Ok, you’re not really Dita if you have different colored hair. Blah blah blah. You look good. We get it. Even though you’re a biter. Copy-catting is a compliment, right? Doesn’t that compliment cancel out if you were boning your template’s ex-husband? Or did you cop this style because your ex-boyfriend/her ex-husband told you to dress all vintage-y sex kitten, and then you were like, “Oh wait, I look Sharp?!?!” I bet on the latter. Evan Rachel Wood in a very well-cut, well-skin-matched Elie Saab.

SJP looked like a Bride, and almost tripped on her dress when she walked across stage. I think both pains-in-the-ass are worth it – this is beautiful. Check that Dior full skirt. Yummm. I almost thought about my own wedding looking at it, and I’m allergic to matrimony. In minty Dior.

Speaking of bridal done right – Cruz in a gown with a train, people! AGAIN. She has some superpower that allows her to wear gowns with trains, all the time. She never trips, and she’s always looking effortless and graceful and nonplussed. You don’t even imagine the underpinning to be soiled by red carpet spunk, shoe grit and the smashed Hollywood dreams of local waitresses.
Immaculate. She looks like a princess. In vintage Balmain.

And the bride wore pleats. See? Modernist. Art Deco. Major love. Marisa Tomei in Versace Atelier.

Here are my favorite trainwrecks:

B, just because Scarlett O’Hara wore the curtains doesn’t mean YOU can. She’s wearing her own line, Dereon.
Almost, but not quite. And I love gaudy prints and black and gold and all that Vegas stuff. 

Go Goth n’ Go Barbie! Sounds like it should work. It sort of does. I actually really like this, I just don’t really like Vanessa Hudgens.
It’s the stink of Disney Ho. In Marchesa.

I don’t give a fuck – Sophia Loren can do no wrong. Ever. 

Images from Yahoo.

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